But you know, the most perplexing part of this is, it I could barely tolerate him upon our first meeting. And then as fate would have it, the moment I rearranged my thoughts about that, he began to back away.
All of a sudden it was me working to keep him instead of him trying to woo me and win me over. I mean as if I couldn’t do a thing for myself anymore. I spent all my free time looking for ways to make sure he was happy and confident in knowing how much I loved him. And now I”ve done that, he’s moved on to the next conquest.
Why did he try so hard at the beginning just to let me go like this?
Last week I found myself listening as a friend let go those words in the sauna at the girl’s gym, her eyes rimmed in crimson, tears making rivulets that dripped on her terry cloth dress and neck; meanwhile, as I groped to find the right response, I felt my own sense of longing and loss grabbing at the hem of my heart. After all, it wasn’t so long ago I had found myself saying such things as well. And in the throes of that full-throated aftershock of agony and insecurity, it also occurred to me
how ill-equipped we mortals be in the face of heartbreak.
It would seem that biology prepares us in oh so many ways to fall in love, but sadly does nothing whatsoever to help us fall out of it.
And so in light of science and lack of knowledge about the actual anatomy and physiology that supports such insanity, here I humbly offer this virtual handbook for heartbreak, something I’ve been trying to do for myself for quite some time as well.
To begin, I thought I would start with a to-do list for you, (but also for her in my groping, I am pretty sure I only said something to make it worse, not better) something printable and easy to carry around in your purse. Because coping with the loss of love can be exhausting. Especially when it seems all you can do is obsess over and over to the point of neglecting the most basic need for sustenance and sleep.
Let alone tend to the needs of a battered and abandoned psyche.
So here it is, something to focus on after the (much needed) first crying spell passes and you start to get some perspective back:
Number one and most important of all: Let go of the urge to let him know how much he has meant to you and write a love letter to yourself instead. To begin with, it’s you who’s hurting right now and we both know he’s probably already got the foxes ready for the hunt again. He is much too preoccupied with that activity to give you a second thought. And you need to let him have the freedom to seek that love from someone else now. You have done your best. Let the one who’s getting all his attention be the one to lavish it back on him.
The fact that you were able to open your heart to him like a rose in winter speaks volumes about the way you view the world in general. And chances are you didn’t break that mold on him either. You are a bundle of love and cuddles no matter where you go or who you meet. There are a bazillion creatures out there who appreciate that trait in a person, from the homeless guy you bought that sandwich for to the baby bird you scooped up off the ground and climbed that tree to put her back.
You are the embodiment of love and kindness. And what’s not to cherish about that?
Time to pull your petals close to keep your heart safe from someone who doesn’t love himself enough to open up to you. .. so that later you’ll be able to open them again for someone who loves you just the way you are, unabashed lover of the ones who are hardest to love in the first place. You touch a lot of lives with that stuff, Honey. And the world will never forget you for it.
2. Now that you have written that love letter to remind yourself how precious and special you truly are, it’s time to do a bit of triage and bandage-rolling. Time to focus on helping your heart to heal again.
Make a list of cons to avoid.
And do it first thing in the morning before the light of day hits the empty dent on the other side of the bed. ..and the tears begin to fall again. (Ordinarily I would suggest a pros column too, but let’s face it. If you have read this far, it’s a good bet you have that one down ad nauseum.) The truth is, we already spend a lot of precious reality hours fantasizing and assigning all kinds of unearned adoration to the objects of our infatuations.
Time to look at this diamond in the rough for the slovenly couch fart that it really is. And be truthful to yourself the way you would for a friend who was suffering at the hands of someone so uncaring and circle-jerkish.
Ask yourself the hard questions now and don’t be afraid to let the fritos fall where they may. Among the beercans and roach clips that your once beloved left lying all over the house as well.
Is it really all that cute when he burps the words to “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” ? Or is it cuter that you were able to overlook it and laugh with him. .. the unconditional depth of the way you let yourself open to a dope who didn’t deserve you. .. like a magnolia or a lily of the mountains?
Get real, Girl. And give credit where credit is due.